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A little while ago we bought a cool stainless steel Maytag dishwasher from the Bray & Scarff outlet in Laurel, MD. It is a scratch and dent place, returns etc. So we get this cool thing, we love it. It is as quiet as a church mouse. The dishwasher it replaced sounded like a freight train loaded with ball bearings and broken glass. It was LOUD. And after a while, you just couldn’t clean the plastic insides.

Anyhoot, after a while we notice that when pushing the keypad, the lights would either stay on or not go off. If we set the dishwasher to “Sanitize”, the next time you couldn’t get that selection to turn off. So we’d close the door, open it, push ALL the buttons. Eventually it would re-set itself and we’d move on.

The other day, I’d had enough of that shit. This thing should be working, why am I trying to diagnose this bs? So I call the 1-800 number and get some gruff sounding chick. She takes my info, asks when we bought it, serial number, all that. She informs me we’ve had it since Dec 08, (news to me, I think all of our appliance are “less than 1 year old” and that includes my 25 yr old air conditioner) and that we’re past the 1 yr warranty time period. Okay, that’s on me, should have called YEARS ago instead of fucking with the sometimes working keypad. So then the gruff chick says, “well, you are past the 1 year deal, but Maytag has some extenuating circumstances that I can apply here. I’ll have someone out there tomorrow morning.” I nearly collapsed. My question of course follows, “how much will it be?” To which she says, “oh nothing, you’ll pay nothing for parts or work, at Maytag we stand behind our products.” No shit. She is no longer gruff, she sounds all pleased, as do I. Then she says, “is there anything else I can do for you?” Me, “yeah I have all kinds of things I’d like YOU to help me with.”

The repair woman (don’t see that much, she’s been doing it for 8 years and loves it) comes out, touches the keypad, it does nothing. I was worried it was going to be one of those deals where you take your car in for some aggravating gremlin that while at the dealer works perfectly. Like the driver’s side mirror on my 2004 Forester. That damn thing is frozen up and down, it will move left to right. Every single time I take the car in for oil change, I say check the mirror. And every time they say, “it works perfectly.” Digression over. She orders the part, she’ll see us next week when it comes in. Part arrives, so does she, installs it, works fine.

You gotta love that.

Before I had my pico-de-yoppo episode, we’d been on a chicken wing tear, here are the findings.

Grilled Wings:
Top honors go to Austin Grill. (The spice is unbeatable, and the house made Ranch dressing for dipping is perfection)
Second place is Hard Times Cafe. (Great flavoring and served smoking hot temp.)

Fried WIngs:
Top honors go to Buffalo Wild Wings. (OMFG … Asian Zing, Honey BBQ)
Second place is Cluck You. (Don’t let the cover of this book fool you, made to order. When they say “HOT”, believe it.)

When Lisa went to “Back To School Night” in the beginning of the year, she never mentioned our daughter would be taking Advanced Placement Cellphone.

Me, “Austen, what happened in Algebra today?”
Austen, “Uh … not much.”

Me, “What happened in Advanced Social Studies today?”
Austen, “Nothing.”

Me, “Did anything go on in Advanced English today?”
Austen, “I don’t remember.”

Getting the picture?

If I want a detailed response, I’d ask a question like this:
Me, “Anyone get a new phone?”

Austen, “Yeah, my friend Jill, she just got a new black Droid Eris … my other friend Annie just got her Dads old Palm Pre Plus, cuz he got a new Blackberry Storm2 … my other friend Mary, she dropped her old LG Chocolate Touch on the concrete outside the gym on purpose because she wants a new iPhone, cuz her sister got an iPhone … my other friend Lana, she painted her HTC Pure with black nail polish cuz she wanted to see what would happen if she used nail polish remover on it … my other friend Lexi is all mad at her parents cuz they only pay for 10,000 text messages a month … my other friend Nell, she’s all mad at her parents too cuz all they gave her was a pre-paid old Nokia like the one you have …

Erin sprints from the couch the other evening, just making it to the kitchen sink, barf, yak, spew, yop. I know … kitchen sink. That was my first thought until I realized Erin’s stomach tsunami could have cascaded down on our fairly new Crate&Barrel couch, ouch. So why, after watching my poor little bunny throw up ALL of her carrots did I NOT deviate from my eating plans for the night? Major mistake.

Here’s a big f’in tip for you. IF you ever have another family member get the yops, change your eating plans IMMEDIATELY. Do not continue on with your plans of eating homemade chicken salad with bacon strips and a side of tortillas with spicy pico-de-gallo. Think of it as “what food can I live without for several years?” Because you know what, when you’re bent over your toilet a few scant hours later, the last thing you want to “taste” again is spicy pico-de-gallo with subtle hints of bacon. That stays with you, believe me.

As soon as the other person starts barking, get thee to crackers and water and live with it. And if you’re the unfortunate one to kick things off for your family, between hurls tell all that will listen, “crackers and water, crackers and water …”

We went to check out Facci last weekend for lunch. Am I glad we did. Despite the fact that the TV’s in the bar were showing my beloved Terps getting hammered by Dook, I still had a great time. We knew we were off to a great start when the bread came out … and went in about 3 seconds. The pizza is amazing. It reminds me of the pizza Lisa and I devoured in Italy, thin, crispy and fresh. Erin had spaghetti and meatballs. (thanks for keeping the price down on such a simple dish) Austen had spicy sausage and peppers, delicious AND spicy.

We had great service, that’s notable since they’ve only been open 5 weeks! Lots of patrons were sipping wine, either by the bottle or glass. Don’t let the cover of this book throw you, the inside is decorated nicely. If you were driving by you might not stop. Please do, you won’t be disappointed. Read Washington Post food critic Tom Sietsema’s First Bite review of Facci.

Austen and I were at Extra Innings in Laurel yesterday practicing her pitching. Normally the other tunnel next to us has another girl practicing her pitching as well. We usually start off with a little game of catch to warm up. No big deal, back and forth, nice easy pace. Soft to medium throws, cinchy.

So I wasn’t looking for the absolute rocket that came at me on her first “warm up” throw. I’m thinking, whoa Strasburg, no need for the 100mph’er right off the bat here, what gives? Silly me, silly daddy, wake the F up!

The tunnel next to us wasn’t inhabited by the usual, oh no. This time it was crawling with 6ft tall high school BOY hurlers who rotated every 10 minutes or so. It was a never ending parade of testosterone laden baseball players. When its another girl next cage, Austen gives her the “elevator eyes” (general judgmental look up and down that girls somehow intrinsically know how to do). This time it was quick little peeks, stolen here and there. So I guess its not surprising that there were to be NO girl throws, not with the men watching.

We’re having breakfast at Einstein Bros Bagels in College Park a few Sundays ago when a Celine Dion song comes on the store speakers. Cue Erin who is listening to her iPod.
Erin, “Whoa, who is that singing? I think my iPod just broke.”

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Yesterday Lisa and I are sitting in the living room. Erin walks in and starts pointing her finger at me, then Lisa, back and forth.
Erin, “Which one of you ladies is gonna fix me a sammich?”

Walking through Tyson’s Corner Mall today and happen upon some people, actually paying to submit themselves to what? Having their eyebrows tweezed by someone with string in their mouths. WTF? Is it me? Where do I begin?

No f’n way would I let some beotch put a string in her unsanitary mouth and let her tweeze my eyebrows. First of all, have people no shame today? Why would I, even if I was temporarily knocked senseless, ever want to have this done in public? Hey, why not a kiosk to comb my ass hairs? Second, if you need to tweeze your unibrow, do it at home, I don’t want to see that shit. Third, who “trains” these mouth stringers? Isn’t it unsanitary? Why is the string in their mouths in the first place?
All the while people are walking by this scene like its the most common thing ever. God, I just wanted to jump up on the Fake Uggs Kiosk and start yelling.  “What the hell’s wrong with you people? …  don’t you see that chick with the string in her mouth? … Soylent Green is people!”

Look, I’m going to be 50 next week, I know all about Grandpalikeeareyebrowandnosehairesyndrome okay? Once again, I blame my wife. I can’t always keep up with the kudzu like hair growth emanating from my earlobes. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, “warn me when you see wild-ass hairs sticking out of my ears.” Jesus. I don’t care how bad it gets for me, no, a thousand times no.

I was so fucking worked up I nearly missed my appointment at the teeth whitening kiosk.

LOVE this stuff. Love it.  Smells great, feels clean and has a nice refill. I’ve been trying to get in line about not using anti-bacterial soap. If you have kids you’ve no doubt gotten the lecture from your Ped. about too much use of anti-bacterial products be no good. Seems overuse can help germs build immunity to antibiotics, wha? Trouble is, everything is anti-bacterial, soap, tissues, you name it.

So finally found Method Foaming Hand Wash and there ain’t no going back. Other pump hand soaps are too gooey, (Dial) or too anti-bacterially (Softsoap). BTW- If you ever want to see something funny, check out my wife when she has to use a shitty gas station bathroom. That alone is funny, but when she comes out with her hands held up like she’s getting robbed, its a good indicator the soap (if there is any) smells like ass.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti anti-bacterial. Oh no, I love me some antibiotics when me or my gals are sick. Problem with that is you’re reduced to lying like a bastard to get it. I just want some of dat pink stuff or maybe a little ol Z pak. Thats all.

Me, “Uh, yeah Doctor, uh, yeah, my uh, yeah … fever for 7 months now. Whassat? oh, uh … about 107 degrees … yeah shakes … vomiting? … oh yeah, big on that, big on that. Whassat? diarrhea? … oh yeah, pure squirts there, pure squirts … Whassat? throat? oh … (close eyed gulp for effect ) on FIRE, on FIRE“

I find that that kind of plea usually works. Be sure to mention your throat is on FIRE! That is critical to your success, it says BACTERIA writ large. You may want to spray some red dye in there to complete the illusion. What you DO NOT want to hear is the term “Viral”. Viral means you ain’t getting shit.

And that’s why I love Method Hand Soap.

Oh the humanity. If I could list all of the failed chicken soup recipes I’ve tried, Ina’s, Joan’s, American Test Kitchen’s, on and on. I’m being a little harsh with the word “failed.” Failed in the sense that they failed to rise to the Gold Standard of Chicken Soup for TheDadReport.com family. And that would be Max’s Deli in Highland Park, IL. If you’re ever near there, GO. Really hungry? The answer is Mish Mosh. Mish Mosh = chicken soup, kreplach, rice, matzo ball, noodles. Oh, don’t forget the brisket sandwich on Challah. (That’s pronounced Hall-uh, not Chal-uh, ugh.) A close second is the chicken soup at The Stage Deli in NYC. I digress.

After much searching, the winner is from the Pioneer Woman Cooks. This chick has mad skills. Here is her recipe, with pics yo! When you print out her recipe to make the soup, and you will, note I have some mods. Her recipe is simple, fast and delicious. My mods are as follows, I’m sure you’ll have some of your own.

- 1 Carrot instead of 2
- 2 Teaspoons of Season-All Seasoned Salt instead of Lawry’s Seasoned Salt
- Deleted 2 Teaspoons of Jane’s Crazy Mixed-Up Salt or other salt blend
- 3 Teaspoons (heaping) of Better than Bouillon Reduced Sodium Chicken Base instead of 2 Tbs chicken base (See, I name names bitch)
- 1/4 Teaspoon Celery Salt
- 1/4 Teaspoon Black Pepper

Locally, the TDR team is very partial to the Chicken Soup at the Hollywood Diner in Rockville, Md. A very close second is the soup at Woodside Deli in Silver Spring, MD. Woodside is in desperate need of a renovation, so just don’t look too close at any one surface. Taking kids? Sit more to the front, the walls are covered in old black and white pics. Toward the front, the pics are more or less from US History, (A subject they don’t teach anymore) toward the back the pics are more or less Fluffy Soft Porn, (A subject you can’t get away from) think naked pin-up gals. All are covered in the requisite 50 year old Woodside dust. Clean the fricking pics will ya! Drives me nuts. Oy!