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I’m out today doing what I shouldn’t be doing: Eating fried chicken at Popeyes. Luv the spicy white 2pc and mashers with cajun gravy all washed down with a gallon of Diet Coke elixir of the Gods. Sad. Anyhoot, as I’m contemplating my choice for dining in the “dining room” I notice a Popeyes employee cleaning the tables. Okay so far, looks like some sort of antiseptic blue liquid . . . I’m cool with germ killing blue liquids. Looks like she’s giving the tabletop a good going-over with the death-to-germs soaked rag. And then I see it.

Uh oh . . .

In the blink of an eye, the tabletop rag has morphed into the seat cleaning rag . . . or ass wipe rag. “Oh no, no, no, . . . nooooooooooooooooo,” she takes the newly morphed ass wipe rag and moves to the next table and  . . . yep . . . it’s now the tabletop rag again. Ass to mouth, mouth to ass, repeat and rinse. Man-o-man. Actually, this is nothing new, I’ve seen this scene repeated many times in many places . . . appetizing.

I do have one bright spot to report: Roy Rogers. I was in a Roy’s in Gaithersburg one fine day getting my Roast Beast on when I spied the ubiquitous bucket of blue. Only this time it had some lettering on it. The lettering said, “For Tabletops ONLY!”

Yes, that’s what I’m talking about. Someone somewhere gets it: “Oh, table wipes are table wipes, and ass wipes are ass wipes, and never the twain shall meet.” Apologies to Kipling.

At our recent birthday party for Erin, the food of choice was pizza. As the pizza was sliced and handed out, the jockeying for more slices began. One little pal’s plea was tops:
Little Pal, “I need two pieces of pizza!”
Lisa, “Why?”
Little Pal, “Because I have a really fast metazolism.”

Which of course prompted ALL the girls start saying that THEY have fast metazolisms too.

Come home the other day and there is a message from the school nurse. Erin has hurt her finger at recess, she’s fine, no need to rush to school. OK. We get her at the bus stop, she said she hurt it during Dodgeball . . . she wasn’t really looking when the ball was thrown at her. . .  yes, she cried a lot.  (The other version was she wasn’t even playing, or looking but got hit anyway.)

When we get home Lisa takes a look at it and sez, “I think that’s broken, I’m going to take her to the pediatrician.” So she does, yep, x-ray confirms broken. We should see an ortho sez the peds. OK. So we do . . . or rather Erin and I do . . . Mommy has a dental appointment. I suspect nothing. Remember, Lisa’s dad was an ortho doc. Keep that in mind. See me and Erin laughing all the way to the Dr’s office. La de da. Sez me, “Oh they’ll just confirm it’s broken and change the splint to a nicer one, we shouldn’t be there long.” “Cool.” sez Erin. La de da.

“Yep, it’s broken,” sez the doc. Then he turns to unsuspecting me and sez under his breath, “We’re gonna have to set it.” I’m thinking, “By set it you mean . . .” Then I’m thinking, “Lisa = dentist appointment?” No way she could have set me up for this, how would she know Erin would break her pinkie . . . oh never mind. My thoughts were quickly interrupted by Erin who has sensed the shift of the wind, much like a scared antelope who smells a Tiger about but can’t quite see it . . . yet.  Sez the doctor, “Oh now don’t worry, we’ll give you some numbing medicine so you won’t feel anything . . . then I’ll just move your pinkie back to the way it was.” Erin sez, “What does the numbing medicine taste like?” That’s where I nearly cried. “Oh, it’s not medicine that you take by mouth, it’s a SHOT WE GIVE YOU IN YOUR HAND.” Read more »

In the car the other day, we’re all talking about salads.

Erin, “I love the salad at school.”
Us, “Oh yeah, why?”
Erin, “Cuz it’s always fresh, there aren’t any tomatoes, hardly any lettuce and lots of croutons.”

First day at our new pool, Northwest Branch. In the water with Erin who recently broke her finger playing/not playing dodgeball. We have her hand wrapped in plastic so as not to get it wet. Ooops, got it wet anyway :-) Erin spies a little pal from RMSC practice group. The conversation goes like this:

Little Pal, “What happened to your finger?”
Erin, “Broke it playing dodgeball.”
Little Pal, “Well, at least you didn’t break your neck and get paralyzed.”

Jesus. How many times did I say that to Lisa when she so gently inquired as to my plans for the heap of old computer crap I was hoarding. Yeah, I’m gonna fix some 20yr old Macs and sell them on Ebay. For what, maybe $20.00, maybe? “I need to go through each computer and get any upgrade cards I put in, I’m gonna sell those on EBay too . . .” Yeaaahhhh. It’s funny the roadblocks you put in front of yourself when you don’t want to do something. Like, say getting a colonoscopy cuz yer getting near 50 years old. “No one, including a gastro Doc is touching the button, got it?” That’s a fight for another day, back to the computer crap. Read more »

Looks like I’m late on this one, but get thee to Maryland Day tomorrow. The weather is going to be great. This is a must for all ages, but a super must for families.
Wind tunnels, FREE Ice Cream, Insect Zoo, Robotics, Music, Kayaking, Rock Climbing, Art, Music . . . and that’s just the first hour. Maryland Day simply can’t be described, you have to actually go to understand how great it truly is.

I wrote about it last year after the fact. I hoped to get the word out sooner this year, oops. :-) Been kinda busy.

As a dad of 2 young softballers we’re always on the lookout to watch as well as play. Nothing better than going to University of Maryland and taking in a Terp softball game. The Terps play in the Robert E. Taylor Stadium right next to the Comcast Center. You can drive right up to it and roll right in, all the games are FREE. The seats behind home are very comfortable, there is a concessions stand (yes they take credit cards, no you can’t bring your own food in) and clean bathrooms. (Important to some of us clean-freak-don’t-touch-anything-in-this bathroom-types.) The play is top-notch. You will see it all, homers, strike-outs, plays at home, rundowns, fly balls and more. It is perfectly fun, family fare. Not to mention girls/womens sports get overlooked far too often and that alone makes a trip worthwhile. Girls rule, boys drool. So there. Read more »

I just want to say up front that we’re not the kid-overscheduling-parent types. But I guess having 2 daughters play on 3 different softball teams, 3 games per week, plus 3 practices just wasn’t enough for us. Throw in a few pitching and hitting clinics plus getting at least 100 swings a day in, well . . .  Why not join a swim practice group to get ready for a summer swim team that we’re not even on?

Enter RMSC practice swim group. The girls have never been part of a practice swim group, much less a swim team. This is a practice group to get one ready for summer swim teams, which I’ve been led to believe are fun affairs and not as serious as fall swim teams. Let’s hope so cuz I was ready to hurl after watching how many laps my gals went through on the first practice. Whoa, they ain’t playing these RMSCers!

After the third set of “give me 10 fifties, freestyle,” Lisa and I catch the attention of Austen as she is about to make the turn for another lap. She clearly mouths us this concise message, “I hate this.” Okay. Read more »

It was just too nice today to sit around. So, last minute TheDadReport crew ran up to Baltimore to catch the Orioles vs. Yankees (cuz the Nats were out of town). It was hard to tell who the home team was. There were as many Yankee fans as O’s fans. Reminds me of a Nats game last year vs. Cubs, it was a sea of Cub blue. Hate that shit. In fact just today Tom Boswell wrote about Gnat President Stan Kasten inviting Philly fans down to Nats town, wtf? Put real MLB playas on the field and we won’t have to ask hated rivals like Philly to bring down some more of their obnoxious ilk. For that matter, you could put my daughter’s softball team out there and I’d still never want a Philly, Cub, Marlin or Met fan in the house.  Read more »