Starbucks cattle: “Can I get . . .”
I was lounging in my fave Starbucks yesterday (I don’t drink coffee, I just like to use their place to read and eat my Einstein Bros. breakfast) when I started to listen as the drink orders poured in. There were a few “coffee of the day” orders, but most were some incomprehensible bullshit that went on forever.
It goes like this: Starbucks employee: “Hey there (dumbass), can I get a (overpriced) drink started for ya?” Rote-memory-cattle-type-person, just prodded awake: “Uh . . . yeah . . . uh . . . CAN I GET* . . . uh . . . (now this person has ordered the same fricking drink for years but we gotta play this I’m kinda undecided game) . . . uh . . . a grande . . . double shot, decaf, double hot, two-pump vanilla, two percent caramel, wave two whole, unwashed beans above my cup, gingerbread, 37 degree to start then steamed to exactly 56 degree soy milk, one rounded not square ice cube, cappuchino, tazo, chai, latte . . . oh . . . and leave room.”
My question is how do people get to this point? After the fifth ingredient has been added, do you say to yourself, “this was pretty good (for $4.50) but it might be better next time if I have them add two pumps of vanilla”. It is insanity.
The only thing better than listening to the cattle order their “drink” is watching the Starbucks employee nod affirmatively and scribble on the cup as if the whole thing makes sense. Have you ever looked closely at what they write on the side of the cups? I have. For all their head nodding and scribbling the only thing they write on the side of the cup is: “1 coffee”.
Denis Leary said it best: “Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee? You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee! They got mochachino, cappuchino, frappachino, Al Pacino, what the fuck?”
* This is my ultimate pet peeve in the food/bev ordering world. How many times do I have to hear some cattle ask permission to buy something: “Uh . . . can I get . . .” before I whip out a gun and kill everyone around me while screaming “No You Can’t GET Anything You Stupid Ass MotherF . . .” When ordering ANYTHING at a food/bev place ALL you need to say is, “I’D LIKE”, as in “I’d like the grande, double shot . . .” You do not have to ask the service provider for permission. Got it?
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