thedadreport.com

Walking through Tyson’s Corner Mall today and happen upon some people, actually paying to submit themselves to what? Having their eyebrows tweezed by someone with string in their mouths. WTF? Is it me? Where do I begin?

No f’n way would I let some beotch put a string in her unsanitary mouth and let her tweeze my eyebrows. First of all, have people no shame today? Why would I, even if I was temporarily knocked senseless, ever want to have this done in public? Hey, why not a kiosk to comb my ass hairs? Second, if you need to tweeze your unibrow, do it at home, I don’t want to see that shit. Third, who “trains” these mouth stringers? Isn’t it unsanitary? Why is the string in their mouths in the first place?
All the while people are walking by this scene like its the most common thing ever. God, I just wanted to jump up on the Fake Uggs Kiosk and start yelling.  “What the hell’s wrong with you people? …  don’t you see that chick with the string in her mouth? … Soylent Green is people!”

Look, I’m going to be 50 next week, I know all about Grandpalikeeareyebrowandnosehairesyndrome okay? Once again, I blame my wife. I can’t always keep up with the kudzu like hair growth emanating from my earlobes. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, “warn me when you see wild-ass hairs sticking out of my ears.” Jesus. I don’t care how bad it gets for me, no, a thousand times no.

I was so fucking worked up I nearly missed my appointment at the teeth whitening kiosk.

LOVE this stuff. Love it.  Smells great, feels clean and has a nice refill. I’ve been trying to get in line about not using anti-bacterial soap. If you have kids you’ve no doubt gotten the lecture from your Ped. about too much use of anti-bacterial products be no good. Seems overuse can help germs build immunity to antibiotics, wha? Trouble is, everything is anti-bacterial, soap, tissues, you name it.

So finally found Method Foaming Hand Wash and there ain’t no going back. Other pump hand soaps are too gooey, (Dial) or too anti-bacterially (Softsoap). BTW- If you ever want to see something funny, check out my wife when she has to use a shitty gas station bathroom. That alone is funny, but when she comes out with her hands held up like she’s getting robbed, its a good indicator the soap (if there is any) smells like ass.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti anti-bacterial. Oh no, I love me some antibiotics when me or my gals are sick. Problem with that is you’re reduced to lying like a bastard to get it. I just want some of dat pink stuff or maybe a little ol Z pak. Thats all.

Me, “Uh, yeah Doctor, uh, yeah, my uh, yeah … fever for 7 months now. Whassat? oh, uh … about 107 degrees … yeah shakes … vomiting? … oh yeah, big on that, big on that. Whassat? diarrhea? … oh yeah, pure squirts there, pure squirts … Whassat? throat? oh … (close eyed gulp for effect ) on FIRE, on FIRE“

I find that that kind of plea usually works. Be sure to mention your throat is on FIRE! That is critical to your success, it says BACTERIA writ large. You may want to spray some red dye in there to complete the illusion. What you DO NOT want to hear is the term “Viral”. Viral means you ain’t getting shit.

And that’s why I love Method Hand Soap.

Oh the humanity. If I could list all of the failed chicken soup recipes I’ve tried, Ina’s, Joan’s, American Test Kitchen’s, on and on. I’m being a little harsh with the word “failed.” Failed in the sense that they failed to rise to the Gold Standard of Chicken Soup for TheDadReport.com family. And that would be Max’s Deli in Highland Park, IL. If you’re ever near there, GO. Really hungry? The answer is Mish Mosh. Mish Mosh = chicken soup, kreplach, rice, matzo ball, noodles. Oh, don’t forget the brisket sandwich on Challah. (That’s pronounced Hall-uh, not Chal-uh, ugh.) A close second is the chicken soup at The Stage Deli in NYC. I digress.

After much searching, the winner is from the Pioneer Woman Cooks. This chick has mad skills. Here is her recipe, with pics yo! When you print out her recipe to make the soup, and you will, note I have some mods. Her recipe is simple, fast and delicious. My mods are as follows, I’m sure you’ll have some of your own.

- 1 Carrot instead of 2
- 2 Teaspoons of Season-All Seasoned Salt instead of Lawry’s Seasoned Salt
- Deleted 2 Teaspoons of Jane’s Crazy Mixed-Up Salt or other salt blend
- 3 Teaspoons (heaping) of Better than Bouillon Reduced Sodium Chicken Base instead of 2 Tbs chicken base (See, I name names bitch)
- 1/4 Teaspoon Celery Salt
- 1/4 Teaspoon Black Pepper

Locally, the TDR team is very partial to the Chicken Soup at the Hollywood Diner in Rockville, Md. A very close second is the soup at Woodside Deli in Silver Spring, MD. Woodside is in desperate need of a renovation, so just don’t look too close at any one surface. Taking kids? Sit more to the front, the walls are covered in old black and white pics. Toward the front, the pics are more or less from US History, (A subject they don’t teach anymore) toward the back the pics are more or less Fluffy Soft Porn, (A subject you can’t get away from) think naked pin-up gals. All are covered in the requisite 50 year old Woodside dust. Clean the fricking pics will ya! Drives me nuts. Oy!